Why the person you're looking for is NOT on tinder

I've had my fair share of online dating recently and it has taught me a daunting and liberating lesson. *Ahem* No matter how much I look, my ideal potential partner is NOT there.

So what the hell am I still doing?!

The basics

We crave connection, and to find real connection online is rare, if not impossible. (I will become more optimistic in a sec, so please bare with). Why, oh why, then would we go looking for a potential partner on a sleazy site like Tinder? Even the more reputable ones like Bumble and Hinge still attract the wrong kind of people. Ok, let's bitch a little bit more... what is wrong with people's behaviour online?! If someone hit me with ''I want to c#m on your t#ts you filthy little wh#re'' in person... they would get a slap and not the kind of slap they hoped for!

Holy...

How it all starts...

You might think you're decent, you have value and a lot going for you. Congrats. You might be newly out of a relationship and trying to rebuild your life or been alone for a while and focused on your fitness or career. But..there is a but...you're single and in today's society, that's the most disgusting thing you can ever be. ''Why are you single?'' they ask...and don't you just want to slap the sh#t-

Maybe you feel like the chances of finding someone in ''the real world'' are so slim, that online dating just makes statistical sense. With one touch of the finger, you download the app and immediately a rush of excitement overwhelms your every sense. The dopamine becomes addictive. Every swipe is another hit of validation that you are amazing and worthy of love. Every message bursting with flattery takes you back to when you were sixteen and extremely hormonal, humping your couch while daydreaming about your crushes - that kind of hormonal. But the warm and fuzzy is now hot and desperate.

This becomes something you rely on now...it's no longer fun. But something to keep you afloat while all your free time goes toward talking to disinterested, overly sexual strangers instead of working on your hobbies, and getting shit done. You're trapped. But wait! The man you're looking for is STILL out there! Right?! Just gotta spend more time swiping, and more time losing yourself so when eventually someone does come along, your sense of identity is virtually non-existent and you settle for ill-treatment, objectification and casual sex. You've lost yourself. You've lost the fucking plot.

Issues I never thought I had

Dating threw my mind into a whirlwind...I became unstable, spontaneous, reckless, lost my values and hid my true personality. I became someone undatable, by my own standards. But an easy target for the sleazebags and genuinely bad people. My mentality going into dating was that I wanted a relationship, then quickly found out how much I never ever want to end up in one, and actually want to get to know someone before even considering the possibility of anything romantic. So my intentions turned towards more getting to know someone kind of dates- no kissing, no oversharing, no boredom flirting. Instead I just creamed myself to the overanalysis of those strangers. I have learned to collect red flags and store them away during the date, then come home, put my logical brain on and analyse the shit out of them. This resulted in 6% (yes, I calculated that) of my dates getting a second one. That is me not giving people a chance, I know. However, am I really expected to give a second chance to people who I wouldn't interact with otherwise? No. And I stand by that.

I became a heartbreaker and first dates became routine. I was bored. I wanted someone exciting and someone special. I wanted someone who was living life to the fullest and had hobbies, interests and ambition...I wanted someone who wasn't there.

I wanted to become that person myself. But I felt incomplete...I felt I needed someone to make me feel secure in myself.

I genuinely believe that because of dating, I became a worse version of myself. And now I'm trying hard to heal myself and become better; not be so superficial, judgmental and overly-analytical.

Is dating even healthy?

After a few dozen first dates I can safely say that I am against dating. I think the dating culture enables completely disgusting behaviour and I myself am guilty to have contributed to it. Talking to strangers is virtually non-consequential. You can let out your rage, anger and bitterness on another human and that's completely tolerated. You can completely objectify another human, demean them to their physical body parts or whatever sexual favours they can provide you with, and that's tolerated. This goes against my values.

High Hopes

Contrary to how negative and dreary I sounded in this article, I have huge hope that I will find someone special, eventually, and it would be in the real world. I will of course try to increase my chances by living my best life, striking up conversations with strangers more often, and trying new things. Having good people in your life is a bi-product of a good life. The kind of partner you want to attract will naturally gravitate toward whatever aspiration you have or fun activity you're doing next. I like to fantasise that I'll meet him at a business networking event, or out hiking in a forest. But ultimately, I don't have control over that and it's likely to be something less glamorous like maybe at a pub on a Wednesday night. Who knows! And that's the exciting bit! Because the possibilities are endless...and with online dating you're choosing between the scraps, the scum, and the fuckboys.

He's not there! You shouldn't be either!

I'm very aware of how negatively I'm talking about my experiences. They have taught me a lot and I did have some fun dates. I did meet interesting people. But they just weren't my people. The kind of man I want is not spending his Friday nights swiping away like a superficial asshole. He's out there living life! Doing fun things! Working hard on his goals! And you should too! Because I strongly believe that you should strive to be the kind of person you would want to date. That dream guy is out there living life while you're stuck swiping through the scum of the earth. Do your future self a favour and work on yourself.

This advice is more for me than anyone reading this but I appreciate you taking the time to read this and wish you luck on your journey of self love.

Angie x